yesterday (actually, today, but the part of today that has yesterday's date) was a cloudy, sleepy day.

my city was skipped over for the big 3December events...with no time for us to make our own event. so, my friend B and I hung out all day, ate lunch at El Chico, talked about 3D, shot pictures for 3D reference, and sat at computers modelling...i then found out that I had just a little work to do! so, here i am, into the next day already, and i'm just finising up a model of santa for tomorrow's presentation. santa as a lotion bottle. with a little spout coming out of the top of his head and all...why me?!

(quickly) a b c# (slower) e d c# b a# (hold this, then:) a

wasn't that satisfying?
[melody from aaliyah|aaliyah:hidden track]

sometimes, like tonight, i post from my office, nestled firmly in an anonymous business park somwhere in texas. the facade is non-descript, the hour is late, and i typically do not see another soul until daylight (or until i go back home).

but, just a few minutes ago, right before i started posting tonight, I saw a shadow move on the floor just outside my office door. i turned to look, and a man appeared in the doorway, holding a big flahslight, and wearing a dark blue uniform. "Hey!" I said loudly, as if to scare him away, throw him off balance with my vocal reverberations, or merely say hello at a rock concert.

He calmly stated, "you left the door open." I noticed that he was, indeed, a police officer. I had been preparing to leave and had loaded my car up outside our front door. But, it wasn't that door that had been left unlocked. It was, in fact, a door in an adjacent warehouse, which, in turn, has a door that opens into our offices, but locks from the warehouse side (that's how the officer entered our hallway). We walked back through the warehouse, and I explained that we don't control that space, but merely lease the offices. The officer said someone must have left the warehouse door open earlier. I thanked him and he left, making sure that I securely locked both the outside warehouse door, and the door that leads to our suite.

It's at least good to know, that no matter how anonymous we are, someone has an eye out for us.

i think i'm going home now...it is kinda late...

my friend has gotten a high-res digital camera from sony. it takes incredibly big pictures. portraits of people become studies of the pourous structures of their skin. i don't think you should get that close to people in real life. [there are notable exceptations] it's just too much...stop taking pictures like that, man!!!

okay...so there were absolutely no posts in the month of november...i was busy...really.

these late nights are going to be my downfall...now, exactly why did i want to go into business for myself?!

oh! so I don't have to get up early in the morning after working so late at night!!!

it ends up that you work overtime in the creative business whether or not you are self-employed...

i do need a day off, tho. my overall artistic output each day is going down because I haven't stepped out for a day's break. maybe I'll do that tomorrow [it IS halloween]...Thursday at the latest.

meanwhile, alex is playing my request right now...some sugary japanese girl vocals by kahimi karie. thanks, alex.

after that, i am definitely going home!!!

should i get NEXT DAY SHIPPING, or should I get 5-7 BUSINESS DAYS?

I won't even be home to sign for my package, and will have to go down to the UPS office anyway, so what does it matter?

not many of you will remember Votrax. It was a voice synthesizer for your 8600/186 personal computer. with a simple BASIC (not many of you will remember this programming language...) program you could get this thing to read stuff to you, or, with the output of another BASIC program, pronounce exotic, randomly-generated ALIEN names. It would've been a lot of fun with the poplular pop-psychological program ELIZA, which could respond remarkably intelligently to your cries for psychiatric help. for example:

you> I am having trouble sleeping next to my girlfriend.

ELIZA: Why do you think you are having trouble sleeping next to your girlfriend?

you> Well, she likes to sleep in her own bed at her own house.

ELIZA: Is this a problem?

you> Not really, but it would be nice to sleep next to my girlfriend.

ELIZA: Why do you think it would be nice to sleep next to your girlfriend?

you> isn't it obvious to you?

ELIZA: Is this a problem?

you> you're supposed to be helping me figure this out, Eliza!

ELIZA: Why do you think that I'm supposed to be helping you figure this out, Eliza?

you> because you're a shrink program!!!

ELIZA> Is this a problem?

you> only if you're not doing your job...why aren't you analyzing me?

ELIZA> Why do you think that I'm not analyzing you?

you> I don't know, maybe you are. Maybe you are trying to test me with all these repeptitive questions.

ELIZA> Is this a problem?

etc., you get the idea by now...

I miss Eliza. I miss Votrax. But I wouldn't give up my web pages or mp3s to save it all!!!! Is this a problem? Why do you think that this is a problem?

too busy...too busy...i've got a lot of fish on my frying pan, that's for sure!! but i've written many blogs IN MY HEAD. not that you can read them there, and even I'm having trouble accessing them once they are posted in my brain. i stayed up for 3 days straight to finish setup for an animated short last weekend...that was crazy...and I started having some mild hallucinations. that was fun. but the event we presented at was good. i got to do some public speaking, made some contacts, and gained some new friends. i like those creative opportunities.

of course, the more projects you agree to do, the more work you have to actually perform.

back to work!

i'm back from a 984 mile drive in my little CRX this weekend...

from texas to kansas and back...just a little more than the distance of crossing Afghanistan diagonally...it's not a big country at all!

mostly at night...just like the bombing in Afghanistan...except for I did do some drving during the day...just like the bombing in Afghanistan now.

my life is remarkably parallel to current events...hmmm.

blah...i'm afraid i've eaten dinner too late, and cannot digest it properly. i've got a headache now. i've just dealt with a flurry of phone calls and then emails, which has taken me away from writing. now i'll head back to it full force.

i'm still interested in the news, tho there's not much "new" about it in the last couple of days. it was sweet [dude, sweet] for awhile after the attack, with many people offering insights and novel viewpoints, but now we've seemed to have gone back to endlessly repeating that same few news stories again and again. surely we have not analyzed this thoroughly yet, have we?

if the news were educational, like it was two weeks ago, then I wouldn't mind my desire to watch it. But it's simply repetitive, so I feel I am wasting time, and not getting stuff done that I should, if I take the time to watch, and only glean one small new bit of "news."

the kicker is that I can watch all this stuff from my desktop, so even working on the computer (my main gig) is being distracted!!!

not to mention this blog thing...

i shall now turn of all broadcast media, and focus solely on the immediate task of writing a book!

right in the middle of "this old house" and just as they were getting ready to install an "egress" window into a newly renovated bedroom, since the small window currently there would not be grand-fathered in under local building code, and right before---here comes the news!!!

this stuff is so carefully chereographed by < someone >:

it seems that no two world leaders schedule their speeches for exactly the same time...how amazing...even enemies understand the importance of taking their proper ques.

i fell back asleep and woke up to tony blair...then suddenly fell back asleep again! it's been a series of late nights...

back to writing (isn't that what i'm doing?!)

i was working in the lab late one night

I am riding a writing wave! I need to stay here for the next month straight and just surf this baby across the ocean...but i'll probably fall asleep and then gulp down some salt water, and that's not good for me...

tomorrow there will be a collected cacophony of creative voices here, and i do need to get some sleep before the meeting, since i'm hosting it. we've got to get that project rolling along...!

i picked up a DVD from my friend Robert today. He says the special edition is coming out soon, so he could part with his version. I need to have it for class next week (to demo acting techniques in animation). he also saved me money on a Laser disc. I bought this laser disc player from my old boss right before I had to leave that job (massive lay-offs, eh?). Laser disc movies are massively cheap, but mainly just older movies are available. There is some recent material, but nothing new. Most people are unloading their entire collections, so I've picked up movies I'd like to see, but would never pay full DVD price for (sale or new!). I've got this shuttle control on my Laser disc remote that smoothly wipes through uncompressed frame by uncompressed frame. I need something like that for my DVD...

so now I get to step out into the cold.

btw, halloween is coming up, so the lyrics above are doubly appropriate...

the heady intoxication of fall has begun.

today is the day that life changed.

with the cold snap, i have stopped wearing my regular shorts, and have put on some nice pants. I can wear my nice shirts again, without fear of getting them ruined under the hot sun. people are wearing jackets and sweaters. it seems that, today, we have all made our change in wardrobe at once. together. and the relief from the heat has made us smile.

it's really cold outside now, with night fallen. i should dig out my jacket...

rain today. good. i like the rain...millions of little drops all collaborating to bring refreshment to the earth. and the coolness. and the breeze. it's fall at last. better than that hot ass summer! in the fall, my mood changes to a more contemplative acceptance. i am open to new love and connections. i find more inspiration and organization. [ rh is singing "rain down..."]

i have an incredible number of projects to write for currenty. an article. a book (!). a big money proposal. a blog. an animated short. another animated short. on top of that, i am producing about a dozen student animations this semester. creative thought running out of the ears...this is the life, tho.

the office is set up for focused thought. the walls in here are that deep green, and i've hung halogen bulbs from electric wires and pointed them discreetly away from the monitor. so my attention is easily kept on my work. and the eyes can rest without glare on the screen. the whole thing is a mix of ergonomics and feng shui. is this my success direction?

if you've missed alex on radio 1190, then you've missed a good show! well chosen music, it was a good intro for me to what's new in indiepop: "for twee folks"

you could tell she was nervous for awhile (the first two bits) - but by the end of the show she was smoother. [the first show is always rough, eh?] even some of that deodorant-dry wit slipped in ("if you didn't call in, you don't get thanks."). i'm sure in future weeks we'll hear a more confident alexandra!

you did a great job, alex!

phenominally inspiring evening tonight. i realize i should post more. i'm back in the creative groove now, and i've got consistent net access. i just need to get into the habit of writing. alex liked my name for her radio show, which i'm about to listen to (go, alex!). and i've spent the evening talking ideas with a good friend...

more trials and tribulations...actually, just minor irritations as i struggle with my "connectivity." during my unintentional hiatus for (a whole!) week, i got a lot of things done, and did some dandy thinking. those moments are lost, however, and we're all stuck with what i'm currently typing.

i painted two rooms in our new offices this week.

one is this color:

neptune (indy)

and the other is this color:

stormy sea (octane)

we've got about 4-6 more rooms to paint as well. so far, the colors match the case colors of computers we've used to do 3D work on...

i also recreated a rubik's cube in 3D, not hard to model at all, but the real accomplishment is making it animate! i've seen a lot of "simulations" - but not any cubes that you can keyframe and then playback! well, i figured it out. "it's a real trip, man." maybe i'll write a tutorial on it later...

it'll take me a couple days to get back into the swing of this blog thing. once i am connected permanently (again), i'll be able to get into the "grove."

i'll get pix of the rooms once we get furniture in, so you can see how cool the colors are (imagine a totally blue room!)

my apologies for that...i should disconnect the "blog this" right-clicker when reading through the news...back to our regularly scheduled exploration::

one tumb up for Mr. Ebert on his sentiment for not building another memorial in his article "make it green" - however, one thumb down for making it another park which is just liking making it a memorail. if you don't name it, people will forget why there's a park on prime real estate (even Central Park has a name, and an organization of defenders) and build anyway. I'm with the developer who's got the lease on wtc: build it again (altho not so tall this time, and maybe a little shorter than all the other buildings around it, so it's not as easy to hit...). it was, after all, 10% of the business office space in manhattan.

more news!!! nightline is on [can you tell that i didn't pay my cable bill...no news channels...]

i tweaked the site today.
its working well, now, and i've even recruited carl to post using it.

tv is back to normal. i'm going through news withdrawl...

i'm very tired today, since i stayed up until 3 or 4 am last night reading posts...and then had a morning meeting. getting up is always traumatic. but especially on a saturday when you cannot sleep in.

i will turn in early tonight, and then probably get up in the middle of the night to get some work done. [?!]

it rained for awhile today, and my car wouldn't start during the rain. after the rain stopped, my car started right up. it needs a tune-up pretty badly. it's been a good car for me, so i should treat it better...i am quite amazed that it still runs at all, it's been so long since i could afford a major mechanical fix for it. btw, it's a black honda crx, two door, with quick acceleration and tight turning radius. it gets me through all those tight spaces in traffic, and lets me easily avoid all those looneys on road (who don't seem to realize that other people are on the road with them).

soon i'll get paid and be able to give my car to my trusty mechanic for some over-due care-taking.

you must visit alex and then send her nothing but encouragement!

i wish to be as open in my writing as she is in hers...as friendly and honest.

starting a new journal as i did on that tuesday {9.11} i got bogged down rather quickly in reaction.

now on to the exploration
::maya [creating the illusion of the world].

enough of this commentary on the news...it's not my particular specialty, nor the intended focus of this newly-initiated blog.

back to the "maya" ::

quickly!!! post before it becomes saturday and the date shifts....

please not another memorial! don't build another peaceful, reflective park! make it a big-ass building with beautiful architecture. I found an article tonight. i don't usually read all these articles, but this quote comes at the end of a Jonah Goldberg column: "America will find an appropriate way to mourn. But if we must have a shrine or monument for our remorse, let's put it on the 200th floor, right next to the antiaircraft guns"

i like this idea.

you know, there's not much to do at the airport to stop this kind of stuff. i'm not saying we cannot stop terrorism. i am saying that cracking down on airport security is not the answer. taking away freedoms is not the answer.

stop the hijackers before that. or make justice so swift that no one wants to commit the crime (this actually works most of the time. i'm not in the least tempted to go-a-hi-jacking. i don't want to do the time).

if someone is willing to die in order to kill you, then they will kill you. there's not much you can do...unless you hide away like a celebrity.

i want to walk to the store at night for some stale glazed donuts and not be recognized. that's why i'm not a movie star. (well, it's not the only reason, but near the top of the list.)

I would rather have america be an anonymous, yet free, average citizen, than a stalker-fearing celeb. if freedom means we're vulnerable. then let us be vulnerable. these terrorists took advantage of our trust. that is not shame on us. that is shame on them. [the fool is still the fool, not the fooled.]

you know all those restaurants that have sprung up in airports lately? that Chili's, too where you can get some chicken tenders? well, you cannot get a knife to eat it with, now! why? you might take that instrument on a plane and hi-jack it.

i like the "sky marshal" idea. there's a guy on the plane with a gun to take control of any would-be-hijacker situation. you don't know who this person is...he could be sitting next to you. but, he'll stop the idiot-bastards who have no conscience of their own to stop themselves. hell, put him in the cabin!

one good thing: one of the planes was prevented from hitting it's target! altho we don't have much detail yet, the story will unfold of how the heroic (read: average american) passengers thwarted their hi-jackers. like i said, if you know you're gonna die, you will stop at nothing.

the cell phone saved the day. the internet gave me my news.

yeah for de-centralized networks! (however, this principal also worked against us: the hi-jackers were also de-centralized, cell-based, and therefore hard to detect or to combat).

in any case, let's not get too emotional here (unless you are legitimately greiving for lost friends and/or family). after we grieve, let's throw up the tallest, grooviest, strongest structure where the towers used to be! let's blow kuala lumpur out of the record books!

very tired. must drive home now. if my car starts.

maybe i can get some rest tomorrow. but there is a long list of things to do.

always waiting on technology...now i'm venting on technology...

it's still amazing how evil people can be...just a few people.

woke up this morning very early. even after staying up late. i usually love to sleep in.

but this morning the dream started when I awoke, instead of ending as an ever-fading memory.

"it is an obscenity" [cg-gma] is a good summation of yesterday's events. i see it as the expression of some group's phenominal stupidity. it's easy to hijack a plane. it's uncreative, base, and primitive. i could plan inside of a couple hours surfing the web. there is no "massive coordinated attack." at a minimum, all it takes is the five guys who walked into Logan airport with packaging knives after pulling an all-nighter studying pilots manuals. it takes little more intelligence than studying for an exam in school.

if you were very smart at all, you would've found a constructive way to help us understand the validity of your point of view. violence is the recourse of those who have no other justification. so, you've proven that you have no real coherent message.

of course we are vulnerable. most Americans trust that the people around them aren't stupid fucking morons. we believe in the basic goodness of our fellow human beings. that is the basis of democracy: that we can cooperate to make a better world together.

in order to perform such a co-operative attack, you demonstrate how depraved your minds are. how could you even trust your co-conspirators? you must have been looking over your shoulder in paranoia as you tried to swallow your uneasiniss. (i'm giving you far too much credit here!) such destructive premeditation belies an illness. you have no conscience. your prophet Mohammed is cursing your names, because you are lousy examples of his ideals. Allah is quite disappointed with all of you. the point is that you are too stupid to even realize that your own god disapproves of you.

not only that, most of the world disapproves of you. [only the ignorant or prejudiced could cheer at such destruction]

what a day to start a blog...

9*11*2001.

today has simply been a jolt of reality. sadness reigns. but so do strength and heroics and courage and unity and patriotism. there is no justification for the simple-minded, meaningless acts of terrorism that were done today.

as in the words of my friend, it's just like stirring a beehive with a stick. it seems like a good idea ("we'll get those pesky little bees...we'll destory their home..."). but, all you will do is piss-off the bees.

killing so many people that have nothing to do with your cause shows the world only one thing about you: you are an idiot.

i don't believe in rushing to judgement about who has done this. [most of them are dead in their useless suicidal acts!] it is not right to condemn an ethnic group, or a country, or a belief, for what a few of their number might have done. but, everybody who helped these idiots hijack and crash these planes will be discovered eventually, and they will be brought to justice. nothing is ever hidden from view for long.

evil is never truly rewarded.

i only hope that my day-to-day actions show those around me how valuable human life and thought are. it is hard to control the rage, it is, but i will not let it master me like their rage mastered those terrorists. rage blinds you, so that you do foolish things.

tomorrow will be better.

but we can never forget nor get complacent again.

even before i get the chance to construct some kind of normal reality, the world is turned on it's ear.

our attention is rivited now. everyone. and we see just how frail things appear to be, but how strong things actually are. in reality [how do we know this?!], the frailty and strength is in a turbulent mixture that suffuses every construction.


frailty:

• the lives of the victims of these desperate attacks.
  
• the buildings and airplanes that we trust every day to support and transport us.
  
• the minds of the "terrorists" responsible.
  

strength:

• America's ability to respond swiftly and with determination to a chaotic situation.
  
• the federal government's authority to secure the skies above (no airplanes in the air right now...only F16s).
  
• The human spirit's ability to deal with frightening events and overwhelming odds.
  
• justice.
  
• truth.
  
• freedom.
  

...

remember in the ancient days when "God" said: "I will destroy the earth if you do not repent" ?

well, aside from the repentance issue, this time (two planes crashing into the world trade center and one into the pentagon) is that kind of time. the world isn't ending entirely, but from a single person's limited perspective, each of their worlds might very well be ending. so, "God" speaks to each one of us. the whole world doesn't have to end for the world to be ending.

what was the moment like for the people on those planes? I am quite sure that there were some heroic and noble deads done that no one will ever know, but that kept things from being far worse.

in the end, they will see that they were wrong. i have no doubts about that. nothing good comes from ignorant actions.

okay. things are appearing now. i just have to adjust what people see when they visit (my "template") and hope i make a good impression.

trying to publish this blog has gotten me bogged down.

apparently, there are some server issues, and i'll have to be patient.

at least the posts are still there, and i'll be at leading edge of someone's consciousness soon, weaving that illusion.

i've been reading many interesting blogs lately, and it seems a good idea to start one (you have to mention "blog" in the first sentence of a new blog under the TOS). i used to do this (on-line journal) a long time ago, in the primitive and almost completely text-based days of the web...hard to imagine those times now, but that's the "illusory appearance of the world" isn't it? someday i'll dig up my archive and post those old, yellowed, web pages...

just recently (within the last few months) many opportunities have rushed my way, and I have learned to take them. it's exciting. there's a new business, a new teaching post, and even a book to write. oh joy! all this means is a lot of work for me, and not much time to get everything done. [so let's start a blog!!!!] the best way to get something done, however, is to do it when you are busy. this has to be a "law of exertive momentum" or something.

oh! that's the other thing about these posts: we're trying to discover the Underlying Nature of Our Grand Illusion. that sounds lofty, even save-the-world or religion-creating, but it's just a personal quest.

everybody is doing it...and some of us are doing it so you can watch...